Yeah. Right.
Yeah. Hey.
How was the gun range?
Brutal.
Isn't that what makes it fun?
I was just a little off today.
A little off? You'd have been better with a moving target.
A target that moves in front of your bullets.
Very funny, Dad.
Mom, can I borrow a couple of bucks?
I thought you were doing pretty well playing outside the mall.
Well, I was doing okay until a human statue
set up next to me and siphoned all my tips.
We'll, bring a pigeon. That'll get rid of the statue.
Look, uh... if you need extra money,
why don't you come down and stock shelves at the store?
Stocking shelves? What?
Honey, what if she hurt her hand and she couldn't play guitar?
What if a box fell off a shelf and put out her eye?
There's 1,000 ways to get hurt at Outdoor Man...
with guns, knives, arrows, and all that stuff.
You want money.
Thank you.
Money that isn't crumpled and wet.
Fancy.
Okay, okay, sweetie.
Glad we could help! (Chuckles)
What the hell are you doing?
Helping one of our kids. You used to like that.
Well, knock it off.
I don't want you to make life easy for Eve.
The tougher things are for her now,
the more open she will be to going to college.
You want me to make her life miserable so that when she sits alone, she goes,
"Well, I might as well go to college 'cause my life sucks"?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
All right, I've got all this information
to show her the advantages of going to college.
I've got stats galore. (Chuckles)
"Stats Galore"... the most boring Bond girl ever.
And I made snacks, but I don't want her to feel too comfortable,
so they're ones she doesn't like.
Wow. All vegetables. What, do you hate her?
Hey, guys.
Hey, hi.
Hey, just here to pick up Great-Grandma's quilt.
Oh, uh, yeah. It's in... It's in the linen closet, Kris.
Uh, listen, please be careful with it.
It's the only thing I have of hers.
Except the risk of early-stage dementia.
I'll be careful of both things... if I can remember.
Um, what did you guys want to talk to me about?
Is it about Kristen's thing with quilts?
She's... She's on a fast track to old age.
She saved half an egg yesterday.
Uh, no, no, no. We... We want to talk to you about the benefits of college.
I really don't want to talk about that.
Good. We'll talk, you listen. Sit.
Okay.
On average, college graduates earn 85% more than high-school graduates.
Mm. Well, money isn't everything, Dad.
Yeah, but money buys everything.
Okay, I really don't have time for this right now.
No, listen, listen... t-the deadlines are approaching
on the acceptances you got last year.
So if you don't go this year, you officially become a townie.
Maybe Eve doesn't need to go back to school.
Kris, what... what are you doing?
I'm just saying, you know? I didn't go to college.
I did okay.
Well, maybe she won't be as lucky as you and marry so well.
What... What, is she just supposed to forget about her music?
I mean, you should hear some of her new songs.
I love that one about the bear.
Hmm, I did not write a song about a bear.
I hear them through the floor. The lyrics are a little muffled.
Okay, all right, look.
No one is saying you have to give up your music,
and... and I love bears, so, but... but...
but college can offer you so many more options.
Yeah, just in case no one wants to hear a song about a bear.
There is no song about a bear!
Whatever it's about, it's great, okay?
So you do not need to go to college.
You do. You do. You need to go to college.
Go to college. Stop pushing me, Mom.
You know, Kris, we really love you, but stop coming over.
♪
There's my high-powered, executive husband working away on important stuff.
Hang on.
I'm almost done with this Harry Potter quiz.
Honey, why do you spend so much time doing those things?
If you need magic in your life, hello!
Me!
Hello, this!
Let's see... "What Hogwarts professor
removes his turban to reveal Voldemort?"
(Sighs)
Oh, please.
Professor Quirrell.
Boom! 50 out of 50!
What is it with you and Harry Potter?
Well, you know, lots of stuff.
We both lived under the stairs.
He owned an owl, and I am dying to own an owl.
Kyle, I need you to run a few errands for me, please.
I want you to pick up my dry-cleaning,
get the car washed, take my dog to the vet, all right?
Oh, uh, does he need shots?
Uh, no, just the one.
He's being put down.
Oh, my God.
Ed, I'm so sorry.
Don't you want to say goodbye to Bogey?
No, that's why I need you to do it.
Look at you, acting all brave when we all know you're in a lot of pain.
Yeah, it's killing me.
All right, anyway, so, uh, dry-cleaning, car wash, vet.
All right?
Oh, and since this is his last ride in the car,
let him sit in the front seat.
Oh. Do the car wash last.
(Door closes) That poor man.
He already has so few people in his life.
Did you know he only has 18 followers on Instagram?
Yeah, three of them are me.
♪
Hey, Dad.
If you called me to lecture me about going to college,
you really don't have to.
We never have to lecture our kids.
We just want to.
I mean, you don't have to because I've already decided to go to college.
I just didn't want to talk about it in front of Mom
because she's not gonna like where I decided to go.
You're going to Michigan, not Ohio State?
Oh, that's gonna tear her up.
Let me tell her.
It's the Air Force Academy.
It's too late to apply to the Air Force Academy.
Well, I already applied and got accepted.
You did that without your mom and I knowing?
What, do you want to learn to be a stealth fighter pilot?
Well, first off, I'm 19... Don't need your approval.
And yet you always want it.
Sad, but true.
Anyway, I made a really good impression on my Admissions Liaison Officer,
who helped me through the process.
And remember the congresswoman who nominated me for West Point?
Yeah, of course.
She was just as happy to nominate me for the Air Force Academy.
So, even a Democrat could see how good you are.
(Chuckles)
You really got into the Air Force Academy?
I really did.
I am... I'm so proud of you.
(Groans)
That is great news!
There's that approval I crave.
Well, your first mission will be to see if you can survive telling your mom.
When you didn't get into West Point,
your mom and I figured you were done with the military.
Well, I was, but you told me to keep my options open.
So I thought about it, and I applied to the Air Force.
Listen, when you tell your mom, downplay my role in this, okay?
It's a good thing that I took my gap year
because it gave me a little time to bounce back.
Plus, it gave me a great topic for my admissions essay...
"Why I Hate West Point."
And the rival academy ate that up.
Imagine that.
So... So the Air Force. Air Force!
Or as the Army likes to call them, "the Uber of the sky."
We're the shock and awe.
The Army just marches in and gets hugged by the happy villagers.
(Sighs) So, how are we gonna tell Mom?
I got to get her in a good mood, that's for sure.
That'll involve a movie, some ice cream... and I may have to touch her feet.
♪
Okay, we only got a couple of minutes.
He just pulled into the parking lot.
Oh, he's gonna be so happy.
Being able to work side by side with his best buddy forever... Yeah.
...thanks to the miracle of taxidermy.
Aww! Isn't he cute?!
Yeah, I mean, you know Bogey was in kind of rough shape,
so I had to spruce him up with some bobcat fur and weasel teeth.
Honestly, it's your best work yet, really.
I think it's even better than that squirrel you made with the top hat.
Ah, good morning, everyone.
Morning, morning, morning, morning.
Good morning, Ed. Morning.
What are you two grinning about?
Oh, nothing.
It's just a good day to be alive...
...or appear to be alive.
(Door closes)
(Door opens)
Kyle, may I have a word?
What am I looking at?
Well, that's Bogey, sir. Mostly.
What's it doing in here?
It's healing your pain, Ed. Ah.
We all know how much you loved him.
Yeah. A-And now you never have to say goodbye.
Or "stay." That's kind of his thing.
Yeah.
Gosh, he's so lifelike.
You know, Kyle and I left him in the car with the windows rolled up,
and when we got back, there was an angry crowd.
Well...
I can't believe you did this.
Oh, Quidditch.
You don't have to thank me.
The look on your face says it all.
Mandy? Mm-hmm?
May I have a word?
Yes.
(Clears throat)
How do I get rid of this monstrosity?
Hmm?
Why would you want to do that?
That was my ex-wife's dog.
It growled at me more than she did.
It bit me every time I tried to pet it.
And it crapped over everything I owned... for 12 years.
Why didn't your ex-wife take him?
(Sighs) She had a better lawyer than I did.
We can't let Kyle know that you hate this sweet, little dog.
I mean, he idolizes you.
He thinks you're this great, warmhearted, loving man.
Well, I'm not.
I can't hurt Kyle's feelings.
He's one of the few friends I have on Instagram.
Yeah.
Ed, are you sure you can't keep him?
He's awfully cute.
(Sighs) He was never cute.
Now he's this hell beast with weasel teeth.
♪
All right, great dinner... exciting Lifetime movie...
...and dessert.
Yeah. Ooh, you got mint chip... my favorite.
It looks like you didn't skimp on the sprinkles.
I know you love sprinkles. Yeah.
Plus the top of the jar fell off when I was pouring them in.
Mmm.
And after that, maybe a foot rub.
Okay, what is going on?
First dinner, then sugar, and a foot rub. Nothing.
I'm guessing you either want to buy a new car
or an old car or you're having an affair.
Can't a husband give his lovely wife just a fully deserved, relaxing evening
at home for no reason?
He could.
But he wouldn't.
Come on.
Hey. Hi. Hi.
Hey, Kris.
So, uh, I have some bad news.
No such thing as bad news.
There's just such a thing as bad timing.
Go. Go. Go. Go.
What is it, sweetie?
Uh, so, I-I brought the quilt home,
and I was being really, really careful with it.
Oh, God. Oh.
And then Boyd used it to make a fort... in the rain.
Oh, boy. Oh, my God!
Hey, it's okay. It needed to be rinsed off.
Your grandmother died in that.
No, Mike, you can't get those wet.
No, no, that's just witches.
And you certainly can't put them in the dryer.
Oh! Kris. But I-I saved all the pieces.
We could sew them back together.
I mean, you like puzzles, don't you?
Oh!
Hey! What...
There's my wonderful mother.
Mission aborted. Mission aborted. Mission aborted.
Mike, stop. Stop. Stop.
What did you want, Eve?
Uh, I don't know.
Do I want anything, Dad, or should I want it later?
What is it? What's going on?
I mean, is this why you've been buttering me up?
Does she have bad news, too?
I... I'm having an affair.
Dad, it's okay. I got this.
Um... Mom, I've decided to go to college.
What? You have? You... You have?
W... (Chuckles) Well, okay! That's great!
That... That's wonderful!
Yeah, that's all there is to that.
Yeah.
Yep!
Uh...
it's the Air Force Academy.
Oh.
Y-You're kidding, right?
No.
It's college. It's college. It's not Michigan.
Hey, babe, there's so much good here.
You're...
Well, uh, certainly took the heat off
the whole quilt thing.
(Chuckles)
Give me your house key. Come on.
Eve's bedroom. This can't be good.
Why does everything that kid does scare me?
And it's not good.
Honey... let's try not to get so emotional about this.
Oh, yeah, this coming from the man who pretended he wasn't crying
when Peyton Manning retired after winning the Super Bowl.
He came back from four neck surgeries.
Mike, this is your fault.
She idolizes you.
You're a risk taker. Yeah.
Only you can pull it off, and she thinks she can pull it off, too.
She can pull it off maybe not with my style,
but she's got her own thing going.
But what if she can't this time?
I mean, what... what if she is Goose and not Maverick?
From "Top Gun"?
Those were Navy aviators. (Scoffs)
They should have never gotten out of that boat.
I'm just worried she's not doing this for the right reason.
Her music career isn't taking off,
so she's just running to something she knows.
Yeah, a great college.
It's only an hour drive from here...
or 15 minutes if they let her take a jet off campus.
No. You always have good arguments.
And I heard them when she wanted to join Junior ROTC.
Went along.
I heard them when she applied to West Point.
I went along.
I heard them about taking a gap year.
I went along.
Mike, I'm done listening to reason.
I mean, I-I don't care about reason.
I just care about my daughter.
And as long as we are writing the checks for it,
we still have some say in it.
And I say she's not going to that school.
Okay.
Would this be a bad time to say that school's free?
♪
(Keyboard keys clacking)
(Sniffs)
You're loving this, aren't you?
(Door opens)
Kyle's right behind me. Ed, I have a plan.
Um, do you know anything about Harry Potter?
The colonel on "M-A-S-H"?
Just go with me, okay?
Wow.
You really ran up those stairs.
I, uh... I needed a moment with Ed, honey.
Um, there's a problem with the dog.
What, really?
Oh, do you want him in a different position?
'Cause I'll have to soak him for about a week.
Ed can't keep Bogey in his office.
It's not that he doesn't love the dog.
It's just that...
Bogey's a Horcrux.
You mean like in "Harry Potter"?
No way.
I'm afraid so.
So, there's a piece of your soul in Bogey?
Sure. Why not?
So, you're just like Voldemort.
Right down to my socks.
Wait. You do know "Harry Potter" is fiction?
So is "The Last of the Mohicans."
You're not telling me there's no such thing as a Mohican, are you?
All right, well, I don't know if I believe you,
but this will make a great story for my Gryffindor group chat.
So, what the heck? (Chuckles)
Who's a good Horcrux?
You! You!
Oh, Mandy. That was a great idea, Mandy.
Yeah. Thank you so...
Yeah. I'm not so sure, though.
I think, according to the books, Kyle may have to kill you now.
Let him try.
Been a long time since someone took a run at me.
Come on.
♪
Mom. Hi.
Is there a reason you're not answering your phone?
Yes. I have caller I.D.
I was just trying to give you some time to cool down.
Look, I didn't know what to say back at the house.
How about, "I'm glad you got into an elite college"?
Look, Evie...
I know this is what you want.
But I want to be able to go to sleep at night
knowing that you are studying in a cozy library somewhere safe, just safe.
That's what I want.
Apology accepted.
Uh, that is not what that was. (Chuckles)
Just trying to keep it light.
Eve, when you're a mom, the thought of anything... anything at all...
happening to your kid, it just... it makes you crazy.
Mom... I know what a privilege it is
to have never spent one second on this Earth wondering if my parents love me.
They sure do.
And I love you so much.
And I want you to sleep at night, safe and happy in your bed.
Thank you.
So, Ohio State?
It just seems to me that a lot of the people
who join the military and protect us
are the ones that this country hasn't done all that much for.
Well, this country has done a lot for me and for my family.
I would consider it an honor to be able to give something back.
There are other ways to give back, safer ones.
You're worried if I do this, it's gonna hurt me.
But it's really gonna hurt me if I don't.
Come here. (Sighs heavily)
Ohh.
Why did you have to turn out so great?
I had two amazing role models.
You have to call me every day.
Aren't you gonna get sick of hearing from me?
Well, that's why I have caller I.D.
Hey, baby. Hey.
Got some news that might make you feel better about Eve.
Somebody at work, a box fell on them...
put out their eye.
(Pops)
I know that's not true, Mike, but it is sweet of you to say.
Yeah, you know, I'm still worried about Eve, but what did I expect?
We did an incredible job raising her.
We? I did all the heavy lifting.
Yeah. That sweet thing comes and goes, huh?
Mr. B., Mrs. B. Ah.
Kyle.
Isn't that Ed's dog?
Why isn't it blinking?
If you want it to blink, I'm gonna need another weasel.
(Chuckles)
When I die, keep that kid away from me.